feb 4 2026 - am i a hopeless platonic??? but. oh, god, you know? god. tentatively, i have a new friend-- and. it's the small things he's doing. i can count on one hand the amount of times anyone has checked up on me in since i was 12. and he's paying enough attention to notice when im acting off, or am uncomfortable, etc???!? to ask MULTIPLE times? it's a pipe dream at thispoint, but sometimes i hope at least one of my most dearest friends could at least TELL if i'm feeling... awful? you know? but not really. i've known them all for at least 9 years too haha. i thought we were tight. sometimes i think we're only still friends because that's just how it's always been. maybe i'm just insecure? i dunno. bah but anyways, being asked how i'm doing, being asked about the things that bring me LIFE, actually feeling seen as a person? oh my lord? oh my LORD? and i'm terrified that i'm just misinterpreting politeness as care and i don't know what to do about it!!!! i guess time will tell. i dunno. taking chances on people is terrifying (said the guy with debilitating social anxiety). but i dunno, i just thought that was nice-- maybe i'm just a little bit starved of affection and human interaction. just a little bit. maybe i can have a "are you doing alright?" as a treat. maybe. my heart just filled up with grief typing that bit in quotes LMAO okay.

anyways, my university is in the downtown area of where i live, and it isn't all that safe (i keep,, forgetting,,), so last night i don't really know what i was thinking walking around in the dark alone in downtown for 2 hours. i ended up at a particular spot that's been haunting me as a sui spot for over a decade. but we survive and we ball *flexes my arms*!!! i've been thinking of going back to the bridge with a thick white sharpie and writing "it took 12 years, but i survived! i want to live!", but i'll wait for the weather to get warmer haha. spent like half an hour crying my eyes out on a pitch black hiking trail before going home. using my 'im not real' privileges to allow myself cathartic release. what can a guy do when they have virtually no support system haha (unmedicated, never been in therapy, has iatrophobia due to childhood medical neglect, and literally nobody gaf)

sorry for another depressing entry. things have been rough, and i feel like i haven't really had anyone to talk to in a very long time. i can't let this consume me again!!!

jan 19 2026, 10:28pm - OOOOH my lord yeah maybe over a month passed since i came in... i've been marinating in my depression once again, and things just reached a peak around the holidays (as they typically do). broke my year streak and fell back into self harm, but it was just one (1) time, so i'm not even mad about it. i'm tired of being hard on myself. i'm actually quite excited for it to heal up in the coming months, as i've been thinking about getting a labrys tattoo on my bicep, which i still have to design, haha.... admittedly, i'm directly stealing the idea from bound (1996). corky is almost everything i want to be, except like. i want Huger Biceps and a Builter Back. when i achieve my final form, it'll be SO fucking over for everyone...

i'm treating this like my diary right now, which now that i'm sitting here re-reading this i'm thinking "woaaaah bucko. that's too much information. stop." but then i remembered i can do Whatever I Want ^_^ in fact i'm doing Whatever I Want so hard now that i decided i'm NOT going to drop out of my bachelor's program, and instead work towards a masters. exciting (flatly). i even decided that i'm going to take advantage of the fact that i don't actually exist to explore the downtown area of (INSERT CITY I LIVE). ive already found several wonderful new places to eventually visit, like this little karaoke bar... several small craft stores i otherwise never would have known existed... several small parks which would be lovely to read some novels in.... i keep wandering to this public archives building nearby my university, and i personally choose to believe it is fate telling me i was made for that library and information masters.......

anyways yeah, lore update after going MIA by accident for about a month ♡ hopefully this streak will last, what with daylight hours growing longer again :3

dec 8 2025, 9:40am - i wish god would smite me down so i dont actually have to experience this 10am class. sure, i'm already here, but god do i want to go back to bed for a nice, crisp, 37 hour coma nap. that's all really. eepy... but it's the last class of the semester so YIPEE YAY !!!

dec 7 2025, 4:40pm - having to rework my entire class schedule last night has stressed me out to the point where i'm still feeling it the day after :( even in the shower i was thinking and thinking about how poorly post secondary has been going for me, how much i've been thinking of giving up and dropping out. but i had this flash in my mind, of an older, much happier me recounting worse times (such as how my 20s are going...), and it lit a fire in my chest. surely, bad times don't last forever. dawn will always break past that distant horizon, for night is not everlasting.

big fan of the night time though.

but. i dunno, i realized that maybe roleplaying as myself if the timeline went right made me want to persist. i initially was talking about my fuckass bachelor's degree but i think this applies to wanting to live as well. i feel like i've been too scared to. yet i must persist.